Thwimp: I did not! Only a wimp would stoop to cheating!
Roy: My point exactly. Now, I have to get back to... uh, the stuff I was doing just a few minutes ago, so let's get started right away. In the Red Corner, a one-time champ, we have Thwomp!
Thwomp: Err! I will be champ once again!
Roy: Sure... and in the Green Corner, a three-time champ, we have Thwimp... boo.
Thwimp: How dare you boo me? I'll show you!
Roy: In the Yellow Corner, a three-time champ, we have Jelectro!
Jelectro: Bzz! Bzz!
Roy: And last and least, in the Blue Corner we have Pidgit, the current champ.
Pidgit: Hey, now come on! I had a great battle last time.
Roy: I didn't think so.
Roy: But let's go to Larry Koopa for his analysis. Punching Bag?
Larry: Yes, well- Punching Bag?!
Larry: GOG! Um, well anyway, the winner is going to be Jelectro. I can't think of any way for him to be defeated, and he even has your support, Roy, so therefore he'll have to win.
Roy: Right as usual... even if you are Punching Bag. But now, it's time to announce the Tourist of the Week! Envelope please!
Roy snaps his fingers and a sealed envelope suddenly appears.
Roy: This is the first time that Tourist of the Week is a Lemmy's Land feature. The winner will receive a free Koopaling vote, but don't think that I'll go any easier on them! Are you ready for me to announce the winner?
(Special note: Before this battle write-up was edited, Roy claimed to be giving out a free Koopaling vote. I wish!)
Roy: Well too bad! Cuz I'm ready. The first official Tourist of the Week is... Missy! Congratulations!
Missy: No! I refuse to be Tourist of the Week! I'm not even supposed to be here because I hate you so much, Roy!
Roy: You have no idea how much I hate you. Strap her down!
Some huge Sledge Bros run over and strap Missy down.
Missy: LEMMY! I'm gonna get you for picking me even though I asked you not to!
Roy: Ooh, I wanna see that fight! But we have a fight on our hands right now, so let's get to it. I just hope this battle isn't lame... not a chance! So let's do it! Koopa?
Koopa Troopa: Ooh yeah, I haven't had a drink since this morning! Fighters ready?
Pidgit: Wait, I have to-
Koopa Troopa: Fight!
Roy: And here we go! Pidgit is still tending to his carpet, but Thwimp takes the first action but taking a teeny little hop... ha, it's so wimpy! Here's Thwomp making a real move.
Thwomp: My classic repetroire is unstopable!
Roy: Thwomp seems to be using his go in a straight line attack, the one that worked so well against Mario. He's going straight for Jelectro, who isn't moving. This is a slow attack, so let's see what's going on elsewhere. Thwimp can't catch up to Thwomp or go as high as Pidgit, who has just begun to fly around a bit even though he doesn't seem to know where he should go. Oh, here's Thwomp's attack-
Roy: Oh! That's gonna hurt in the morning! Thwomp hit Jelectro and exploded!
Koopa Troopa: Thwomp is out! Yeehaw!
Thwimp: Yes! I outlived Thwomp!
Pidgit: Yeah, and me-
Koopa Troopa: Jelectro is out!
Roy: I don't believe it! Oh no! Jelectro's electric discharge on Thwomp was so great that he exploded as well! This is terrible! I know Thwimp cheated again!
Roy: Now debris is blazing through the ring and other parts of the Arena.
Missy: Ouch! Hey!
Roy: Pidgit is flying around skillfully to avoid it, but Thwimp can only produce little hops.
Thwimp: Giant leaps!
Roy: Little hops.
Thwimp: Giant leaps!
Roy: Little hops.
Thwimp: Giant- ACK!
Roy: Thwimp has been hit by the debris and blasted out of the ring!
Koopa Troopa: Thwimp is out of the match. Victory to Pidgit!
Pidget: Dum duh dum duh da duh, dumdaduh da duh! Pidgit's the best!
Roy: We... really needed to hear that. What a depressing match! Wouldn't you agree, Missy?
Missy: I wouldn't know since I refuse to watch!
Roy: It doesn't matter to me, but you'll be really caring in a minute. Larry was wrong, so you're gonna get the shock of your life!
Missy: Don't you dare pull that- BlagadiblagadiblagadiblagadiblagadiblagadiAAH! End transmission! Oh Lemmy...